Let’s be real honest. Sometimes I don’t want to be the bigger person. Sometimes, I want to be the petty, small person who has perfectly planned comebacks to the never ending stream of B.S. I hear from my kinda ex husband.
“I’m just so overwhelmed. Work has been crazy and I’ve been really stressed recently.”
Oh really mother F-er? YOU’RE stressed out? YOU’RE overwhelmed? You should try being cheated on more than once and have your spouse play house with a woman who has a striking resemblance to Mr. Ed.
“You, me and my girlfriend should all sit down to make sure we are all on the same parenting plan.”
I have a parenting plan. She’s not part of it. Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t me, you and your girlfriend sit down and have a conversation about all the ways she’s NOT part of my parenting plan. Let’s sit down and talk about the fact that statistically you two won’t make it past 2 years. Because I’m pretty sure the LAST people on this planet that I’m going to take parenting advice from are the two habitual cheaters. How many affairs are between the two of you? Four? or is it Five?
“Did you have a good time at Daddy’s baby?” “Yeah, Daddy went to go get the bad guys”
No, baby. Daddy is the bad guy.
“I want to see my daddy.”
I know, baby. But Daddy decided to give up on his family and run off with a horse.
And the list goes on and on. Almost every day, there’s a battle between what I want to say, and what I actually say. Between wisdom and emotion. Between the present and the future.
With every decision I make, I have to think how will this action or reaction affect my son now, next week, or next year? If I react from hurt and betrayal, who am I actually hurting? As my Pastor would say, bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Anger, hurt, bitterness, resentment. These emotions don’t hurt ex. They hurt me. And they hurt my son. So I don’t say anything. I sit quiet as my ex tells me how hard his life is. I sit quiet as my son tells me how he misses his dad.
I have very little control over this situation. In fact, my options for controlling this process are pretty non-existent. But I can control my reactions. I can trust God’s stewardship and how HE tells me to react.
Proverbs 29:11 “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.”
Purposefully Broken 
Hugs and prayers to you. Ironically I am sitting here writing this comment to you at the close of my own wedding 22nd anniversary. I don’t say that to seem mean, but to let you know that I can relate. My husband and I have separated three times in those 22 years. My husband suffers depression and anxiety, and when he’s depressed he feels I am better off without him, and that there are others who understands him better. And I remember extremely well, sliding down a kitchen cabinet, ugly crying over our first separation. I remember comforting him through his breakup with the girl several states away. I remember being angry, frustrated and jealous, the second time, when the girl in the white Rio would spend the night at his apartment. (I thought if he got an apartment in the same complex, it’d be easier for the kids). And I remember being stunned and pierced by pain when he asked me if I was going to keep my last name or go back to my maiden name. I can remember being horrified that a divorce in my state could take less time than it took to plan the wedding. And I planned my wedding in less than two months! It was hard today to create a FB post to commemorate the day without sounding fake when I can remember all that. And I remember wondering if being a Christian like you are, what I should do with my life afterwards if we did divorce. I had married my husband in a church after all. My promise had not just been made to my husband but to the Lord as well. But I also knew that I was not meant to be single. I had a good friend explain that God doesn’t like divorce because it hurts us, he doesn’t want us in pain…but he also understands that we might not get to decide to stay married or to divorce in a bubble. I definitely don’t want you to think that I disagree with your decision, because I am still married. I know that these things are very personal and have many different aspects. We’re still together because the love has never changed between us, (I worried about the fact that he would need a vacuum in his new place, and he really wanted to make sure that the kids and I were taken care of). God has also stepped in quite a bit on our behalf. But I also don’t want you to feel alone. I understand the thoughts behind this blog. I remember that first separation, wondering who and where I would be in 500 days from the moment things fell apart. I actually thought about keeping a journal of it (we were all still using AOL and dialup connections then, chat rooms were the “in” thing. Actually that’s where he met the first girl 😑). Tonight he went off to bed, depressed, he’s on meds but it may be time to have them adjusted again, but I still feel only steps away from where you are, and I desperately wish it felt like miles. You seem like you are doing as well as you can with this and I believe that the person you will be after all this, will be amazing!
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