I am

So, recently I went on a date. Not just a regular date, but a blind date.

Well, kinda.

I braved the world of online dating and went out with a man I met through a dating app. Don’t worry, I felt incredibly pathetic signing up for a dating app.

With only a couple weeks of text messages and some pictures, I showed up to meet the mystery man at a nice, public bowling alley.

As I stood there answering emails on my phone, in walked THE most beautiful man. I’m not sure what my face looked like, but inside, I suddenly felt like I was 14 years-old and the captain of the soccer team was talking to me. After I left the date, I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I sat in my car and immediately thought “guys like that, don’t go for girls like me.” I started telling myself men that handsome, driven, accomplished, confident, etc. don’t want complicated women like me.

They want the easy girl. The effortlessly beautiful, minimal makeup, easy-going, non-opinionated, impeccably dressed, girl who just goes with the flow.

And that’s not me.

I mean we’re not only different books, we’re different genres. I’m historical fiction and he’s definitely chick lit. Not better or worse. Just, different.

Tonight, as I was cleaning my kitchen countertops,  I started thinking about all the reasons why he WOULDN’T want someone like me. After all, I am…

Driven

Ambitious

Intelligent

Opinionated

Active

Educated

Strong-willed

Goal-orienteted …

And then I stopped.

I caught myself, because something occurred to me. That’s a pretty damn good list.

Yes, I’m complicated. Yes, I’m driven. And, I know I’m not the easy girl who just goes with the flow, but so what?

What would be the alternative? Be less than what I am because it’s easier for men to handle? Lessen myself because I think a man THAT beautiful would never want a woman as complicated as I am? Well, screw that.

I know some men find it intimidating to be with a driven woman. (My ex did) But that’s their problem.

I encourage any woman who is reading this post to take a piece of paper and start writing your own list. If you’re like me, start with all the attributes you think men WOULDN’T like about you. Then really stare at them. You may find, like I did, that what you consider negatives, are actually your best qualities. And what you wrote down are actually a list of lies. And, here’s the sad part. We believe them. Because the simple fact is, we lie to ourselves all the time.

Immediately after my date, I turned every positive and successful thing about myself into a reason why this man would never want me.

I started believing the lies.

Lies the enemy tells us to make us feel less than we are.

Trust me, I get it. I listen WAY more often than I care to admit. But the truth is. I don’t want to listen anymore. So, after re-reading my list I’ve decided to wear them as a badge of honor, rather than a Scarlett letter.

I’ve also decided to trust God, and believe that He will bring a man into my life who will appreciate every part of my “I am” list. But, before He can bring a man into my life that will love me, for me. I need to start loving myself.

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