Jump First

I’m going to court tomorrow.

I’ve been once before to ask for a continuance, but tomorrow is the real deal.

Bright and early, my lawyer and I will present our case to the judge and explain why my ex should pay child support AND alimony. It’s not so much he doesn’t want to pay alimony, but he wants to pay $600 less than he should. The whole process is completely asinine as it could have been figured out months ago, OUTSIDE of court.

But here I am, ready to go to court to argue about money. Which means nothing after death, but is critical in life.

The first time I went to court, I sat on one side of the court room, as my ex sat on the other, and I thought to myself, “how did we get here?” Immediately, memories from our wedding played in my mind. I saw the dress I wore, the flower petals on the floor, and heard the music as I walked down the aisle. I remember the tears in his eyes, our family smiling up at us, and the dinner toasts from loved ones, wishing us well. Eight years later, we’re sitting in a cold court room fighting over custody, child support and alimony. In the blink of an eye, the man I promised to love forever barely talks to me and is living with his mistress. If anyone would have told me 10 years ago that my then-finance would have multiple affairs and end up living with his mistress, I would have laughed in their face.

But here I am, millions of tears and thousands of dollars later, not a day closer to finalizing my divorce.

To top it off, I had to get a new lawyer last week. My old lawyer is pregnant and happily moving to the east coast with her fiancé. How’s that for salt in the wound? So, I met with my new lawyer. We immediately bonded and I hired her on the spot. And although I know she’s competent and will be well-prepared for the case, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s stepping up to bat in the 7th inning. Not to mention, tomorrow’s decision will have monumental impacts on my life. The amount of support the judge decides tomorrow will determine how I move forward in terms of my household budget, income needs, or whether I can afford my mortgage payment. Not to mention, tomorrow morning I will have to stand before the judge, my ex-husband, and our lawyers, and defend my income & expense disclosures. I will have to defend every dollar I make, and every dollar I need.

But here’s the really weird thing.

I’m not worried about it.

Yes, I could stress and worry about tomorrow, and this may all change as I step into the court room tomorrow morning, but today I’m determined to keep my thoughts fixed on the truth. That no matter how hard I try to control the situation, God is in control of the outcome. I have prepared and provided all documentation I can. I’ve done my part. Now, it’s up to God.

No matter the number, I will accept it as God’s plan for my life. I will remember that HE is my provider. That the number of dollars I receive from my ex does not change who MY God is. Now, is it scary to be that dependent on God? Yes, absolutely. But that’s faith. We jump first without seeing the bottom. We trust.

And I’m trusting God will fulfill his promises to me. Even if a judge tells me otherwise.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”- Isaiah 41:10