It’s been a year.
Exactly one year ago today, I discovered my husband was having yet another affair, but this time with a co-worker. In a matter of moments my entire life changed. And not just mine… my son’s, my family’s, my friends’, anyone who knew us. Like a ripple in a pond, the affects of our separation slowly spread causing scars, breaking hearts, and severing friendships.
I’ve had a couple instances in my life where my life changed on a dime. One minute I’m following the clear path in front of me, and the next, I’m forced to make a sharp turn and everything looks different. No longer safe in the comfort of the familiar path, but stumbling along the unplanned journey. It happened when I found out about his first affair, it happened again when I found out about the second, and recently it happened at a country concert in Las Vegas.
Looking back, you see your life before and after that moment. Envying the naive, innocent person you were before everything changed. Sheltered in the ignorance of what’s to come. If only she knew the path ahead.
Not only can the path be treacherous, but it’s filled with a series of “I don’t knows”. And let me tell you, as a person who loves order and routine, living in limbo is scary.
I don’t know why this happened.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get married again.
I don’t know if I’ll have more children.
I don’t know if I can keep my house.
I don’t know if I’ll stay at my job.
I don’t know how much financial support I’ll get.
And the big one…I don’t know when this will be over.
A year to the day later, and I still carry a lot of “I don’t knows”. But here’s what I DO know. Next to my son, the end of my marriage was one of the best things that has ever have happened to me.
Yes, it was incredibility painful.
Yes, it still hurts at times.
Yes, I still get lonely.
Yes, I still get angry at the injustice of the betrayal.
But the truth of it is, my husband’s affair freed me. And I know I’m not supposed to say that, but it’s true. EVERY DAY I was drowning. Constantly carrying the weight of my relationship, my job, and my life, all on my own. Desperately trying to get my husband to care. About me. About our life. About our son. And with every dismissal, I sunk lower, and lower, into the water.
When I knew my marriage was over, I fell into darkness, not knowing where to turn. I was so overwhelmed by his betrayal and the disgusting, demeaning realities of his infidelities, I couldn’t see beyond that moment in time.
But looking back a year later, I am so thankful my relationship with my husband has been replaced with my relationship with Jesus. I am so thankful I was given the opportunity to sink deeper into Him. To rely on Him as my provider. And the amazing, awe-inspiring faithfulness I have seen in return. I am so thankful I continue to develop in my relationship with Him. Learning and growing a little more, each day.
And I am SO thankful he saved me. Not just on the cross, but from the burden of my life.
And what a day for the anniversary of my separation. Good Friday.
As I was driving into church tonight, I thought of the name of this blog, Purposefully Broken. Then I thought of Jesus, broken and bloodied carrying his cross to calvary. The crown of thorns dripping with blood as it pierced his skull. Devastation and brokenness, seeping from every inch of his body.
But his brokenness had a purpose.
Without his sacrifice, without his broken body, without his love, we’d all be faced with an eternity of damnation.
I want my brokenness to have purpose too.
And while I still don’t know what the future holds, I am filled with such overwhelming joy at the possibilities because I trust God. I trust his plan for me, I trust who he is, and I trust his promises. I look back at the past year, and thank God for walking through it with me. For providing me with an amazing support system who has cared for me and loved me along the way.
I am so excited to see what the future holds, because I’m not doing it on my own anymore. I have a Good Shepard who is leading the way.