I’m currently living a life I never wanted to live.
Now, I know there are many people out there who have suffered unconscionable cruelty or suffered through unimaginable tragedies. And I would never want to discount or pretend others aren’t suffering worse than I am, but this is my personal tale of woe. You see, I never wanted to be in this place.
I never wanted to be a statistic.
At least not a bigger statistic than I already am.
I am a child of divorce. Yep. I know, it’s shocking.
But here’s where the irony kicks in. You see, I am a child of a divorce because my father had an affair when I was three-years-old. Flash forward 27 years and my three-year-old son is now becoming the child of divorce because of his own father’s affairs. You read that right. Affairs. As in more than one. Not only has history repeated itself like a bad re-run, but it actually got crappier.
With half the country’s marriages ending in divorce, the demise of my own marriage may not seem that shocking. But it was shocking to me. And as I travel through this process, I’m beginning to realize how our society tends to down-play the negative affects of divorce. Divorce has become a statistic instead of what is really is.
For many people, getting a divorce is absolutely devastating. It can rip your entire world apart. And worst of all, it can devastate your children. And Oh Lord, the pain. Pain like you’ve never felt before.
When I found out about my husband’s first affair, words can not express the complete devastation, but here’s a quote that’s pretty close.
“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
When I found out about the second affair, I knew my life was never going to be the same. As I sat alone on the edge of my bathroom tub weeping with one hand clutched to my chest and the other covering my eyes, I knew we were going to get a divorce. I knew my decision to file for divorce would forever change mine and my son’s life, and I was terrified.
So I began to pray.
“Forgive me Father for not being able to make it work. I tried really hard and forgave him as you have forgiven me. But I couldn’t save him from himself. Help me, Father. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
My faith in Jesus Christ has saved me.
And I’m not talking about saving me from my sins (although he did that too), I’m talking about saving me from the loneliness that comes with pain. God will not take away my pain, but he will bring me comfort in the depths of absolute despair. And nothing in this life will test your morals, character, or relationships like pain. As a Pastor recently said at church, “In the depths of deep pain, people either go to principle or they go to pleasure.”
And trust me there are times that I fall victim to pleasure. My faith as a Christian does not mean I am exempt from temptation or wanting to be “of the world” instead “of God.”
When I found out my “still kinda husband” introduced our son to his new girlfriend (the one he cheated with) I called my best friend drunk at 11 o’clock at night with a bottle of wine and freshly delivered Jack in the Box from Door Dash. When it’s Monster Taco time, you know things are bad.
But that’s what I feel is the point of this whole process. It’s a test. A test of what I believe, what I will fall for, and what’s my truth. I know I will continue to fall victim to my emotions and pleasures. That sometimes I will listen to the shouts of the world instead of the whispers of God, but I’m trying.
My truth is constantly being tested, but I will continue to try.
I will continue to try as hard as I can to keep my eyes on God, and not the world.
This blog is the beginning of what I know will be a very, very, very long journey. One in which I will strive to grow a stronger relationship with God, while also facing the hard realities of the world we live in.
Pray for me, as my truth will undoubtedly be tested.