The Voices in My Head

Let’s be real honest. Sometimes I don’t want to be the bigger person. Sometimes, I want to be the petty, small person who has perfectly planned comebacks to the never ending stream of B.S. I hear from my kinda ex husband.

“I’m just so overwhelmed. Work has been crazy and I’ve been really stressed recently.”

Oh really mother F-er? YOU’RE stressed out? YOU’RE overwhelmed? You should try being cheated on more than once and have your spouse play house with a woman who has a striking resemblance to Mr. Ed. 

“You, me and my girlfriend should all sit down to make sure we are all on the same parenting plan.”

I have a parenting plan. She’s not part of it. Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t me, you and your girlfriend sit down and have a conversation about all the ways she’s NOT part of my parenting plan. Let’s sit down and talk about the fact that statistically you two won’t make it past 2 years. Because I’m pretty sure the LAST people on this planet that I’m going to take parenting advice from are the two habitual cheaters. How many affairs are between the two of you? Four? or is it Five?

“Did you have a good time at Daddy’s baby?” “Yeah, Daddy went to go get the bad guys”

No, baby. Daddy is the bad guy. 

“I want to see my daddy.”

I know, baby. But Daddy decided to give up on his family and run off with a horse. 

And the list goes on and on. Almost every day, there’s a battle between what I want to say, and what I actually say. Between wisdom and emotion. Between the present and the future.

With every decision I make, I have to think how will this action or reaction affect my son now, next week, or next year? If I react from hurt and betrayal, who am I actually hurting? As my Pastor would say, bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Anger, hurt, bitterness, resentment. These emotions don’t hurt ex. They hurt me. And they hurt my son.  So I don’t say anything. I sit quiet as my ex tells me how hard his life is. I sit quiet as my son tells me how he misses his dad.

I have very little control over this situation. In fact, my options for controlling this process are pretty non-existent. But I can control my reactions. I can trust God’s stewardship and how HE tells me to react.

Proverbs 29:11 “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.”