No matter how strong you think you are, pain will tempt you to do, say, or think things you otherwise wouldn’t. At the flip of a switch, your entire thought process can change from “I just want to honor God” to “I just want to hurt this person as much as humanly possible.”
When I found out my ex was having his second affair, I spent HOURS thinking of all the ways I could hurt him. How I could get him fired or publicly humiliate him. I wanted him to understand how much pain he had caused me, and the best way I thought to accomplish that was to make him suffer as much as I was suffering. To cause him the same level of pain that he had caused me.
And, let’s just say the thing you aren’t supposed to say.
It isn’t fair.
It’s not fair that I was a good wife to him and he was a horrible husband to me. It’s not fair that I was the supportive, understanding, and patient spouse and I was the one who was cheated on. TWICE. It’s not fair that I forgave the first affair, consoled him in HIS pain, and then was metaphorically slapped in the face .
It’s not fair that my husband had an affair because I needed him.
In the beginning, the unfairness of it all was all I could think about. As I was carrying my son to the car in four inch heels, running late to preschool because a pipe burst in my front bathroom, I was pissed off at the unfairness of it all. It wasn’t fair that my kinda ex-husband was cuddled up to his mistress while I was desperately trying to keep my life afloat. It wasn’t fair that I had to drop my son off at preschool and drive to a job I hate because I have no choice. I have to support my son. I have no other option. My ex devastated me, forever impacted our son, and continues to show no remorse. Absolutely none. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a never-ending list of things I haven’t done, or need to do, and it isn’t fair. And I’ve just wanted the pain to go away.
And being a Christian does not exempt me from pain, nor does it eliminate my temptation to numb the pain with “worldly pleasures”. Yes, I am a Christian. And yes, sometimes all I want to do is grab a bottle of alcohol and drink the pain away. I’ve wanted to hook up with a guy I don’t care about, just so I don’t have to be alone. I’ve wanted to do anything and everything I could think about to make the pain go away. So, I won’t feel so discarded and unwanted. This is the ugly truth about pain.
Pain will cause us to disconnect from God, and loose our way.
Because we don’t want to feel pain. We want what’s easy. Drinking the pain away, is easy. Partying the pain away, is easy. Hooking up with a nameless guy, is easy. But it’s all a temporary fix to a larger problem. A pretty illusion to replace our devastating reality. But if we deny our reality, and dismiss our pain, how can we ever heal?
How can we grow into the person God wants us to become if we let the world bring us comfort, instead of God? We can’t expect a broken world, full of broken people, to heal our broken hearts. It’s not possible. True healing is only found in Jesus Christ. The Bible tells us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ” Psalm 34:18.
I can tell you, I have felt Christ’s presence in the depths of my pain. I have felt his comfort. Yes, trusting God to get you through your pain can be incredibly difficult. But the most rewarding things are.