Seek to Find

This morning I woke up in a bad mood.

And while I’ll admit I have a tendency to hit the snooze button, I generally wake up ready to start the day. But this morning, I felt off. Not just off, but extremely discouraged and distant from God. I couldn’t feel him and I had this unexplainable feeling of hopelessness. That my life is never going to get better, and this season will become permanent. I will always be worried about how I’m going to afford to take care of my son and how to balance all the bills on a single mother’s income. This will just be my life.

And I had no explanation for my mindset. Yesterday, was a GREAT day. I listened to an A-MA-ZING sermon from my Pastor, got some good news, and had a relaxing lunch with my mentor/friend. I even got some alone time to watch Underworld, Blood Wars (don’t judge). But I woke up unhappy.

The rest of the day I was consumed with the stress of my job, stress about my ex, stress about my son, and oh yeah, I’m going out of town this weekend. So now I’m battling all the things I have to do before I leave town and a very healthy dose of “Mother’s Guilt” that I’m leaving for four days. And the cherry on top is that “the Other Woman,” also known as “The Ho,” will be watching my son while I’m gone. Fan-Freaking-Tastic.

The fact that my son will be spending one-on-one time with the woman who helped break up my family is heartbreaking.

So what changed?

Yesterday, I was feeling amazing and today I feel horrible.

Well, I can tell you what didn’t change. God.

Yesterday, my Pastor said if you feel distant from God, God didn’t move, you did.  And he’s right.

So here’s what I think is happening. I’m letting the stress of life and MY FEARS derail me from God’s promises. When all I feel is worry, hurt, and sadness it’s easy to forget the promises of God. I’m letting menial things like “task items” and “to-do lists” keep my focus on the world, instead of on God.

And the devil loves to use our fears, our stress, and our weariness to take us off course. Because there is nothing the devil wants more than to deter a Christian who is fervently seeking a meaningful relationship with God. I don’t think it’s a coincidence the day after I got a renewed sense of direction in serving the Lord, I woke up with every fear, doubt, and hurt attacking me.

I know the antidote, though.

Seek God.

When I push my way through the hopelessness, the fear, and the resentment, I find comfort and clarity as long as I am seeking God. I know going forward I will have to continually force myself to remember that my self-worth and happiness MUST be found in God, and not the world.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13

The battle is not over. I’m still weary, discouraged, and sad. But through his word, God has given me direction on what to do. He has promised, all I have to do is seek Him.