Going through this divorce, I have felt every emotion in the rainbow.
Anger, depression, relief, hate, fear, sadness,…and the big kicker…loneliness.
Now, this doesn’t mean I wasn’t lonely in my marriage, because I absolutely was. As soon as I uttered the words, “we should have a baby” my husband began to pull away. When his initial response to my euphoric declaration was, “I’m not sure I want to have kids anymore” I should have known it wasn’t going to be easy. But like most women, I thought it was cold feet, or his fear of becoming a father. But not what it really was.
Me asking him to sacrifice any portion of his happiness for a child.
From the moment I got pregnant, until the moment I found out about his second affair, my ex’s neglect grew with every day, every month, and every year. The more I needed him, the more he isolated. After my son was born, the weight of my loneliness would materialize into what he currently calls “emotional breakdowns”. With my head in my hands and tears streaming down my face I would tell him I was drowning. That I was being pulled under by the weight of it all. I was a full-time worker, full-time mother, full-time housekeeper, and full-time wife. I wanted so badly for him to see me. To see my pain, my despair, and my loneliness.
But, he turned his back on me. Until he finally committed one of the biggest insults to a neglected person. He cheated on me. Twice.
To be brutally honest, since the shooting, I’ve lost my direction. Much of my life these days has been surviving each moment. I haven’t found the energy to finalize court paperwork, create a budget, or figure out my career, because I’m just trying to get through the day. This year has been the worst year of my life.
With my husband’s affair, the divorce, my sister getting cancer, my cousin on dialysis, the Vegas shooting, and my grandmother’s horrific fall, it’s all been so much.
And I’ve had to face it all alone.
Yes, I have amazing friends. Yes, I have a supportive family. But the truth of it is, I’m alone.
Every decision I make, I make alone.
Budgets, career choices, parenting, divorce proceedings, finances, my son, all of it I have to make, and face, alone. There is no “Plan B”. It’s just me.
And as I lay my head on my pillow at night, there is no voice in the darkness telling me it’s going to be okay. There is no hand to hold, or warm embrace, but a merciless storm that continues to surround me.
And as a Christian woman, I know Christ is with me. Even when I’m too ashamed to pray, or too lost to look up, in my heart I know he has plans for me. But honesty is a part of healing.
And the truth is…even though I know God is with me, right now, it’s hard to feel him. I have moved further from God, because of my pain. And I’m struggling to find my way back.
But, I’m trying.
Even if it two steps forward, and five steps back, I’m trying.
I refuse to let this storm devour me. Or let my loneliness turn a season into a lifestyle. But the first thing I need to do in order to be okay, is to admit that I’m not okay.
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43: 1-3